coeurdefeu | For Nocts

It would be so easier if we c..ould... what?

[Okay, what? Did he hear it right? Ignis feels the same way about him? He was about to ask if he was joking but then remembers that this is Ignis and he doesn't joke in the tense situations like Noctis does. But something about his advisor's expression doesn't sit well with him.]

...then why do you look as if Eos is going to fall apart? I did just say I wasn't joking about the date thing.

Because unrequited feelings lead to...difficult situations and impropriety.

[It might be a cliche, but it was also a cliche because it was true. People got stupid when they had these sort of feelings. And if there was one thing Ignis couldn't stand, it was otherwise intelligent people acting stupid. So, again, he's choosing his words with all the care of a mountain climber balancing on a small span of vertical rock that's also on fire.]

I've known you almost my whole life, Noctis. I know how...impetuous you can be. And I don't want our...friendship to end because we rushed headlong into something.

[Noct listens, thinking his ears might get on fire any second now. Ignis' worries were the same Noct had- which is why he kept silent for so long. But... he couldn't do it anymore. Call him weak. Call him stupid. But he couldn't just live with this heavy boulder that he didn't know what to do with it.]

Ignis. You've been with me ever since I've known for myself. Do you think I would just ignore something like that? Yes, I'm rash often but... I would never jeopardize what we have.

We don't have to go through with this at all. I just... wanted you to know- [becuase he's so bad at expressing his feelings and this was one of those rare moments where he feels like he can-] -that I really care about you. On a level that's not just friends.

...Noct.

[Yeah, Ignis is impressed. Noct always puts on that carefully cultivated air of indifference about everything he's feeling. So to so openly confess to it...it's really moving.]

No. I don't think you would ignore it. That's one of the reasons I feel the way I do. You're just....

[For once, his words fail him, and he just stares across the table helplessly. Ignis isn't great at this feelings stuff either, after all.]

[And this means that he's been battling with this feeling for quite a while if he ended up not being able to hold it in anymore.

Thankfully, he doesn't feel like he would fall apart any minute now. Ignis' words just made blush creep back into his cheeks. He keeps his gaze, and tries not to smile even though he really wants.]

I am what, Iggy?

[There's a small, short pause, and then Ignis is smiling that tiny little smile he wears. The one that's the poor substitute for what he's really feeling, like all the sunlight in the world has somehow gotten into his chest and lodged there forever.]

Remarkable. Incredible. Amazing? Gorgeous? Oh, hell...

[Now Ignis is the one blushing, hot and blotchy up his neck and cheeks. He didn't mean to let that last one slip out but it was a superlative that absolutely applied. Noctis was stunning and it wasn't fair.]

[Yes, well, Ignis isn't the only one. The blush on Noct's cheeks only intensified. Great, just great. Then again- he asked for it. He asked for all of this. Is he really that lucky? It feels like his heart will break through his ribcage.]

You sure I'm all of that? Because those apply mostly to you, not me.

[The only things Noct he can think of himself is, well, lazy. Veggie hater. Morning hater. Complaints central.]

[Oh. Oh gods above and below and all the astral shards, they were flirting with each other. In an incredibly inept and hamfisted way, but it was happening. That blush only intensified and he hid his face behind his hands again, sputtering as he did.]

I'm not-... you're much more...Shiva's tits what are we doing?

[Quetioning what they are doing only makes Noct's small smile grow into a grin. Seriously, can Ignis get any cuter?]

What? We are just talking about each other. [Only the dirty dishes from their meal makes it a little less romantic, but Noct doesn't care.]

Was this... [Noct's eyes fall on the table where he's playing with the edge of his fork,]... the reason why you distanced yourself so much from me?

Mmn.

[That's an affirmative kind of noise, but also embarrassed. Mortified, really.]

I was trying to make certain I didn't....I feel like if I were to act, it would be a terrible betrayal of the trust you've put in me. That your father has placed in me. There would be...I tried to....

[He's devolving into little hisses and hums, trying to figure out what happens next. Now that it's all out in the open, they need to deal with it, and there's really only two options. Give in, or not. And both are disastrous, in their own special ways.]

[Noctis shakes his head-]

It's alright, Ignis. I understand. [Everything about their situation sucks. And Noct is not worried about his father making problems (side-eying how close he actually is with Clarus these past few years...). He's just wary of the Council who seem peeved at Noct for leaving the Citadel and Ignis who isn't stopping him.

He'll deal with them.]

...it did make me miss you. A lot. The you you, not advisor you.

[That's why there was that whole debacle with the coffee books.]

[That makes him look up again, and blink in astonishment. Because when Noctis said 'I understand' it was the honest to gods truth. It wasn't a sullen 'yeah sure I get it' which it so very easily could have been. If anything, that just makes those feelings even more intense. Damn.]

I am sorry. For that. I was attempting to be professional. For both our sakes. Selfish of me, I know.

[That's because he's been spending a lot of time thinking about this. About Ignis, about the situations that can come up if and when he eventually confesses (because, to be honest, he knew he would crack one day- alcohol or no). He sighs, rubbing back of his neck.]

I know you were. And you weren't selfish at all. You were just doing what you were told to do. [The Council doesn't really care what Ignis might feel.]

If anyone was being selfish it was I. Just, going day after day wishing I wasn't- [ a prince, a duty,] - wishing I was normal. So that I could just confess to you instead of just keeping silent for so long. It felt as if I was lying to you. And that felt wrong.

[Ignis is hit with a very powerful memory, the day that he and Noctis were introduced, the king putting his son's heart and soul and life in Ignis' hands. What had been a childish infatuation had blossomed into something so much more enduring and complicated. It's why he got so ratty whenever Noct or Prompto called him 'mom.']

Well. That's almost a perfect mirror image of what I wanted to say to you. I kept wishing that I didn't have these duties, these responsibilities. I kept wishing we'd met....later. If that makes any sense. Then this might be easier. I never meant to lie to you either, and I'm sorry.

[If they could've just stayed that way. Spending days on end in the gardens- Noct with an endless supply of questions and Ignis answering them. All of them. And fishing. And books about underwater creatures. He really missed those.]

Mmn. So... [with legs up and heels resting on the edge of the chair, Noctis rest his chin on his knees, hoping it will hide a bit of his blush,]... what are we going to do?

[He knows what he wants to do. But he can't decide on it by himself.]

[Noct looks so vulnerable in that pose, and it breaks Ignis' heart all over again. He licks his lips and thinks again.]

I'm not entirely certain. I'm a member of the Crownsguard now, and there are....repercussions and severe consequences for dereliction of duty. Which, yes, many people feel includes any sort of....physical impropriety.

[Meaning he could be summarily kicked out of his entire life and be forbidden from ever seeing Noctis again. Hell, they might toss him out of Insomnia entirely. Exile.]

But I must say, that we're sitting here having this conversation like adults is quite interesting. I didn't picture this as a possibility at all.

Ugh... [The face disappears in those knees, spikes only visible now. Yeah, he knows what Ignis is talking about. And he doesn't like it one bit. Who even set up these rules? And why?]

You're the last person on Eos that would shriek a duty or task. [He just can't see Ignis failing at anything. That's more of Noctis' job.] So we can't do anything huh... [This might be worse than not telling Ignis how he felt- loving him and being loved back but not being able to even kiss him.

He lifts his head and smiles.]

You help me grow, you know. And this means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me. I don't want to lose you to anything because if I do, and it's my fault, I won't be able to forgive myself. I just... need you in my life. [He doesn't know how to function without Ignis.]

[Ignis swallows heavily, and nods slowly. In spite of being only two years older, he's always felt like he's years - decades - ahead of Noct. But right now, Noctis is being far too mature and understanding, and Ignis is the one who wants to throw a tantrum, stomp and scream that it wasn't fair.]

We can't...

[Another pause. Worlds form and fall in that pause. And then he breaks.]

...Get caught.

Edited 2018-03-03 19:06 (UTC)

[Noctis has been throwing tantrums in the empty apartment, at the walls, for years now. He got tired of it, to be honest. He'd still complain and curse at the destiny from time to time, but not in the same amounts as before.

He was about to agree with the "no" (even though it tore right through him like a dagger) but the last part had his eyes widen.]

You... [Titan's asscrack, he's on verge of crying now. Happy tears. He rubs at his eye, taking a shaky breath.] ...you always end up risking so much for me.

That's because you're worth it.

[Part of him is still very, very glad the table is between them. Part of him is tempted to shove it out of the way and completely finish breaking, break every more and law he can so he can finally give in and touch. Because the look on Noctis' face right now just triggers every single one of his protective feelings.]

But we cannot lie to ourselves. And we'll have to observe some very strict boundaries. Otherwise...

[He trails off. They both know what they're risking. No need to rehash it again.]

[Is he? With the amount of certainty Ignis says it, Noct can't help but believe him. After all, Ignis was never wrong.]

Mm. Everything's restricted to the apartments and deadly silence.

[By everything he means, physical contact. Astrals, he wants to just crawl into Ignis' lap and just forget about everything for a moment.]

Well. Perhaps not entirely silent.

[Astrals, he just went there. It's official, all this time of quiet longing has completely stripped him of all rationality. He clears his throat and rises from his seat, hoping that the trembling in his legs isn't noticeable.]

Perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. We don't even know if we're...compatible. Shall we test it?

[And now his neck is warm, just from that small implication. He's been thinking too much about being not so silent with Ignis that it doesn't need explaining at all.

He slips off the chair all too eagerly, nudging the furniture out of the way.]

I'm all for testing it. [He grins up at him, his fingers hooking into the shirt Ignis is wearing.]

[Moment of truth. Ignis' pupils are blown wide, with only a small ring of green around them. A totally involuntary physical response that only Noctis can bring out of him. He looks down at those fingers hooked into his shirt, and he feels like his insides are struggling to get outside.]

C-Certainly. I...

[He just keeps staring. Frozen like a sabertusk in headlights. Ignis Scientia has lost all his courage. Help?]

[Noctis can distinctly remember almost kissing Ignis when he was drunk. Only he chickened out then because something about his advisor's voice screamed 'bad idea'. But now...

...now there's nothing in the way. No nagging voices, no alcohol. The last thing that runs through Noct's head before he presses their lips together is that he's never seen such brilliant green in his life.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

oh boy I got wordy there

i love me some wordy, LOVE it

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject