coeurdefeu | For Nocts

[Now Noct is pale as well and feels as if he has no legs, from knees and down. He wishes that that time machine Ignis mentioned last night really exist.]

Yeah... sorry. I. That comment, it just slipped from me. It shouldn't have.

[He shakes his head, but still holds his plate-]

I wasn't going to make any jokes about that. I was just [embarrassed, ~~hoping for something, anything,~~] trying to actually eat it.

[He did eat all the peas and beans and whatever veggie was in the meal.]

...Well, perhaps this one can be replaced.

[He puts the pea on the edge of his plate and sighs a little. It definitely would not do to unburden himself on Noct. It wasn't seemly.]

But I won't force you to eat anymore. Thank you for eating what you did. I revel in my small culinary victories with you.

[Still no eye contact, though.]

[Yeah, no eye contact from Noct either. The colors on his face keep changing from red to pale with every word they exchange. But now it's mostly pale.

Way to go and fuck up everything, Prince of Ruin, Noct supplies comment in his head in form of Gladio's voice.]

It was great as always. [He places the plate back down,] Almost didn't notice the veggies. [The upbeat tone he's trying to keep doesn't sound all that funny even to him.]

Noct....

[Crap. They're gonna have to talk about this. Ignis thinks hard for a long moment, and then takes a breath. No accusations, no sharp denials. No cruel rejections. At least not from him. He's very careful to keep his voice neutral and quiet, although a small tinge of longing sneaks in there.]

You weren't joking, were you?

[He shakes his head. No, it wasn't a joke. But he's not going to admit it loudly. He already knows everything that will Ignis tell him- Noct's duties, his own duties, some protocols, laws, whatever "codes" and crap people at the Citadel fill Ignis' head with. The "crap" that pulled Ignis away from him.]

No, it was. It would be ridiculous if it wasn't, right?

[Noct says, pointedly staring at a messy dot on the table his stupid pea made earlier. Oh, how he wished that this sharp pain in his chest from the words he says are actually from a sword or dagger. It would hurt less.]

If you genuinely think you can lie to me after all the years we've known each other, you're sorely mistaken.

[Again, no sharp tone, no accusation. Just a simple, non-emotional statement of fact. He finally gathers his courage and looks up at his prince. The man he's sworn to serve. The man he's madly in love with and has been for years.]

Please talk to me. Please tell me the truth.

[It would've been easier to accept that statement if it was sharper, not... blank. It's sending all sorts of shivers down Noct's back. That's nothing much to see on Noct's face- just that he's distraught and completely regretting saying what he said.]

It's... not a joke. [His fingers drum against the glass table.] So can we, please, just skip all the lectures about how I 'shouldn't' because this isn't something I can control and something I. Didn't plan acting on.

[Just that reaction from Ignis is more than telling what he thinks about this.]

....Well, shit.

[Ignis groans softly to himself and buries his head in his hands. He's suspected for a while. He's tried so hard to keep that professional, impervious wall between them and failed miserably. And now here Noctis is, already knowing full well that they simply can't and Ignis was the one to force the issue.]

To put it simply.

[He's never heard Ignis swear like this, but it sums up everything he feels right now. How shitty this situation is, how shitty his life in general is. Fuck being a prince if he can't even like whomever he wants. But he can't change anything, he can't change himself no matter how much he wanted.]

...sorry. I messed this up. We were supposed to hang out not. Sit awkwardly like this.

No. No, don't apologize. You've done nothing wrong. The heart is a capricious beast, sometimes, and wants what it wants.

[He finally lifts his head, temples his fingers in front of his lips, and thinks hard. Well. It would be decidedly unfair to force Noct into a confession without reciprocating.]

...I suppose it would be a moot point to say that I feel precisely the same way?

It would be so easier if we c..ould... what?

[Okay, what? Did he hear it right? Ignis feels the same way about him? He was about to ask if he was joking but then remembers that this is Ignis and he doesn't joke in the tense situations like Noctis does. But something about his advisor's expression doesn't sit well with him.]

...then why do you look as if Eos is going to fall apart? I did just say I wasn't joking about the date thing.

Because unrequited feelings lead to...difficult situations and impropriety.

[It might be a cliche, but it was also a cliche because it was true. People got stupid when they had these sort of feelings. And if there was one thing Ignis couldn't stand, it was otherwise intelligent people acting stupid. So, again, he's choosing his words with all the care of a mountain climber balancing on a small span of vertical rock that's also on fire.]

I've known you almost my whole life, Noctis. I know how...impetuous you can be. And I don't want our...friendship to end because we rushed headlong into something.

[Noct listens, thinking his ears might get on fire any second now. Ignis' worries were the same Noct had- which is why he kept silent for so long. But... he couldn't do it anymore. Call him weak. Call him stupid. But he couldn't just live with this heavy boulder that he didn't know what to do with it.]

Ignis. You've been with me ever since I've known for myself. Do you think I would just ignore something like that? Yes, I'm rash often but... I would never jeopardize what we have.

We don't have to go through with this at all. I just... wanted you to know- [becuase he's so bad at expressing his feelings and this was one of those rare moments where he feels like he can-] -that I really care about you. On a level that's not just friends.

...Noct.

[Yeah, Ignis is impressed. Noct always puts on that carefully cultivated air of indifference about everything he's feeling. So to so openly confess to it...it's really moving.]

No. I don't think you would ignore it. That's one of the reasons I feel the way I do. You're just....

[For once, his words fail him, and he just stares across the table helplessly. Ignis isn't great at this feelings stuff either, after all.]

[And this means that he's been battling with this feeling for quite a while if he ended up not being able to hold it in anymore.

Thankfully, he doesn't feel like he would fall apart any minute now. Ignis' words just made blush creep back into his cheeks. He keeps his gaze, and tries not to smile even though he really wants.]

I am what, Iggy?

[There's a small, short pause, and then Ignis is smiling that tiny little smile he wears. The one that's the poor substitute for what he's really feeling, like all the sunlight in the world has somehow gotten into his chest and lodged there forever.]

Remarkable. Incredible. Amazing? Gorgeous? Oh, hell...

[Now Ignis is the one blushing, hot and blotchy up his neck and cheeks. He didn't mean to let that last one slip out but it was a superlative that absolutely applied. Noctis was stunning and it wasn't fair.]

[Yes, well, Ignis isn't the only one. The blush on Noct's cheeks only intensified. Great, just great. Then again- he asked for it. He asked for all of this. Is he really that lucky? It feels like his heart will break through his ribcage.]

You sure I'm all of that? Because those apply mostly to you, not me.

[The only things Noct he can think of himself is, well, lazy. Veggie hater. Morning hater. Complaints central.]

[Oh. Oh gods above and below and all the astral shards, they were flirting with each other. In an incredibly inept and hamfisted way, but it was happening. That blush only intensified and he hid his face behind his hands again, sputtering as he did.]

I'm not-... you're much more...Shiva's tits what are we doing?

[Quetioning what they are doing only makes Noct's small smile grow into a grin. Seriously, can Ignis get any cuter?]

What? We are just talking about each other. [Only the dirty dishes from their meal makes it a little less romantic, but Noct doesn't care.]

Was this... [Noct's eyes fall on the table where he's playing with the edge of his fork,]... the reason why you distanced yourself so much from me?

Mmn.

[That's an affirmative kind of noise, but also embarrassed. Mortified, really.]

I was trying to make certain I didn't....I feel like if I were to act, it would be a terrible betrayal of the trust you've put in me. That your father has placed in me. There would be...I tried to....

[He's devolving into little hisses and hums, trying to figure out what happens next. Now that it's all out in the open, they need to deal with it, and there's really only two options. Give in, or not. And both are disastrous, in their own special ways.]

[Noctis shakes his head-]

It's alright, Ignis. I understand. [Everything about their situation sucks. And Noct is not worried about his father making problems (side-eying how close he actually is with Clarus these past few years...). He's just wary of the Council who seem peeved at Noct for leaving the Citadel and Ignis who isn't stopping him.

He'll deal with them.]

...it did make me miss you. A lot. The you you, not advisor you.

[That's why there was that whole debacle with the coffee books.]

[That makes him look up again, and blink in astonishment. Because when Noctis said 'I understand' it was the honest to gods truth. It wasn't a sullen 'yeah sure I get it' which it so very easily could have been. If anything, that just makes those feelings even more intense. Damn.]

I am sorry. For that. I was attempting to be professional. For both our sakes. Selfish of me, I know.

[That's because he's been spending a lot of time thinking about this. About Ignis, about the situations that can come up if and when he eventually confesses (because, to be honest, he knew he would crack one day- alcohol or no). He sighs, rubbing back of his neck.]

I know you were. And you weren't selfish at all. You were just doing what you were told to do. [The Council doesn't really care what Ignis might feel.]

If anyone was being selfish it was I. Just, going day after day wishing I wasn't- [ a prince, a duty,] - wishing I was normal. So that I could just confess to you instead of just keeping silent for so long. It felt as if I was lying to you. And that felt wrong.

[Ignis is hit with a very powerful memory, the day that he and Noctis were introduced, the king putting his son's heart and soul and life in Ignis' hands. What had been a childish infatuation had blossomed into something so much more enduring and complicated. It's why he got so ratty whenever Noct or Prompto called him 'mom.']

Well. That's almost a perfect mirror image of what I wanted to say to you. I kept wishing that I didn't have these duties, these responsibilities. I kept wishing we'd met....later. If that makes any sense. Then this might be easier. I never meant to lie to you either, and I'm sorry.

[If they could've just stayed that way. Spending days on end in the gardens- Noct with an endless supply of questions and Ignis answering them. All of them. And fishing. And books about underwater creatures. He really missed those.]

Mmn. So... [with legs up and heels resting on the edge of the chair, Noctis rest his chin on his knees, hoping it will hide a bit of his blush,]... what are we going to do?

[He knows what he wants to do. But he can't decide on it by himself.]

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if I stop responding, I'm asleep >> /looks at clock blinking 3:30am

giiiiiirl go to sleep, there's always tomorrow

I will!! Soon... :3

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